No Means No

Sex and Rape

The classic anti-date rape slogan “no means no” is a universally-known mantra. Unfortunately, rape is incredibly common. Not so much the guys lurking in dark alleys to hold knives at women’s throats while brutally assaulting them. Although these horrific incidents do happen far too often in the world, they’re actually incredibly rare when compared to the overwhelmingly most common type of rape out there – date rape.

Also commonly known as acquaintance rape, date rape is a sexual assault usually committed by someone the victim knows, such as a boyfriend, girlfriend, lifelong friend, roommate, etc. But date rape doesn’t have to mean that people are dating at all. In fact, it technically doesn’t even have to mean that the victim knows who his or her victimizer is.

The term date rape also extends to drug-facilitated sexual assaults. For example: If a guy at a club slips a pill into a girl’s drink and then sexually assaults her, this classifies as date rape, even though the victim did not previously know her assailant.

Someone forcing themselves on someone else in a sexual manner, no matter what the situation is, classifies as rape. As long as the other party is not willing to participate and says no, a failure to immediately stop can and will be charged as a rape case.

There is no such thing as “asking for it.” A woman who dresses provocatively or a “tease” is not asking for someone to take advantage of her. Likewise, someone consenting to be kissed and touched is not automatically opening the door for sexual assault. If at any time the other party decides to stop and says no, a failure to comply—in any circumstance; we can’t be clear enough about that—is rape. This is even true for someone wishing to stop once sexual intercourse has been initiated.

Roughhousing Relationships

Some couples choose to get really frisky in the bedroom. Whether BDSM, hardcore role-playing or any other scenario, a lot of couples introduce risqué behavior into their sexual lives to spice things up – and this can lead to a lot of roughhousing in the bedroom.

It is important to know and trust your partner when entering into these types of relationships. It is not uncommon for rape and/or assault charges to be filed when one partner goes over the line. Sometimes the partner assaulting the other is doing so knowingly. He or she cannot control the urges and begins to get rougher and rougher, ignoring the pleas to stop. Other times, however, confusion is created in the bedroom and the assault is more unintentional.

For example: Say that a couple is engaging in some bondage activities. The handcuffs are first to come out, followed by the nipple clamps, and then ultimately the bull whip and ball gag. Not only does the sex get a little rougher each time, but so too does the rhetoric. It is not at all uncommon for a partner to try to stop in the middle of rough activities, only to have the other party believing that it’s all a part of the fantasy.

This is why it’s important that role-playing and roughhousing in the bedroom are never spur-of-the-moment ideas. People do get lost in the heat of passion, and although the assaulting party will still be liable in a court of law, a victim’s failure to preemptively define safety measures for such a thing will cause long-term damage: a failed relationship, mental scars, possible physical damage, etc.

There are a few good ways to handle this preemptively, and we’ll touch on them all a little bit here in this guide.

•    Reach the Decision Together

•    Ease into the Role

•    Have a Safe Word

Reach the Decision Together

Fetishes and desires are very personal. It is unlikely that most traditional couples—meeting through to traditional means—will share the same sexual desires. For instance, while a guy may really be turned on by his girlfriend/wife dressing up as a naughty schoolgirl, she may be into kinkier things like body restraints or spanking. Or vice versa. You just never know what really gets people going.

So when you want to turn things up a few notches in the bedroom, it is very important that you speak about this as a couple. Let’s face it: Although this conversation might be a bit embarrassing, it’s an easier talk to have than talking about starting a family or even about getting a pet. Sex is something that’s natural, so broaching different ways to please each other—especially if you inquire in the throes of passion—is perfectly natural.

Most couples can reach common ground on where to take their sexual activities. Maybe you’ll start out with some candle wax or using sheets to restrain your partner’s hands. The important thing here is that you discuss the course your sexual relationship is going to take.

Ease into the Role

Following up on the former, it’s important that you mutually decide where things are going. After that, you will want to ease into anything you decide. If you choose some heavier BDSM activities, this is especially where you will need time and caution. All the different adult sex toys available for these activities, like door jam cuffs, whips, clams and spreaders, etc, can be potentially dangerous if you become overzealous in the bedroom.

For many couples, pain is pleasure. But it’s incredibly easy to take things too far.

Have a Safe Word

Which brings us to the most important issue in this No Means No guide – you need to have a safe word. A safe word is simply a word that you and your partner agree on beforehand that will bring the activities to a full stop if you are feeling uncomfortable or threatened.

Trusting your partner to stop is incredibly important also. That’s why the previous tips are so essential. You have to ease into things cautiously to find out how you both act in the heat of the moment. You would be surprised at just how quickly something can go wrong when a choking fetish turns into a crushed windpipe and a trip to the emergency room. If your partner decides to hold this against you and press charges, you’re dealing with rape. And if the unthinkable happens and your partner dies, you’re looking at manslaughter at the very least.

A safe word can change the entire dynamic of this type of sexual relationship.

Ironically enough, most people do not choose obvious safe words like “no” or “stop.” This could be because those words are actually used during role-play – saying “no” as part of a rape fantasy. To ensure that things don’t actually turn into sexual assault, couples have a tendency to choose off-the-wall words like Snuffleupagus or budenheim. But all kidding aside, having a safe word is important to this type of relationship.

Throughout it all, whether you’re speaking about role-playing or just general dating, keeping yourself safe is a must. Also, you need to realize that you always have the power to say no. It’s your body and ultimately your choice. So even if you’re dating someone and have previously had sex with them, you are in no way obligated to continue. If at any time you do not wish to participate in sex, use the power of no to stop it.

And if you’re engaging in sex with someone and hear that word, you should never, ever second-guess it. You better not keep going and then try to justify rape by pretending that the other party wanted it! When you hear no, it’s time to stop. Full stop!